Hermione and the Wonderful Wizard of Konoha
by Wild Distraction
Summary: Based off the story "The Wizard of Oz".Hermione has fallen ill and has woken up in the wonderful world of Konoha, now she must seek the hokage to find her way back home. New writer to FFnet. Feel free to comment
1. Chapter 1

_All characters are relatively the same except for the characters who are filling the role of the Scarecrow, the Tinman and the Lion._

Hermione continued groaning in pain from what had just transpired to her. So much pain that she fell into a deep coma. The last thing she remembered was entering Hogwarts' doors and being led into the clinic where she dreamed a hazy dream.

Hazy enough for Hermione to believe that she was in a middle of a storm, being whisked away along with the school into a far off land.

All the other students and teacher quickly left while touting brooms to fly away though Hermione continued to sleep. She slept as the school continued to soar into the sky. She slept as the school began to fall. She slept while the school fell through the clouds. She slept until the falling came to a sudden halt with a loud banging crash.

"What was that?!" Hermione asks after she wakes up and finds only her cat Crookshanks on top of her legs.

Hermione was very awake for a girl that had just woke up and begins to explore the school with Crookshanks following her every move.

She explored the school from every level, from the tunnels underneath it, to the towers above and found no one else inside other than her and Crookshanks.

"Maybe everyone is outside for a Quidditch game" Hermione told Crookshanks who was giving her a worried look that only a pet can make.

Without looking around anymore, Hermione opens the doors of the school and steps outside only to see a large amount of ninjas gather around her. Ninjas, ninjas everywhere but Hermione didn't have a clue as to what was happening.

"Oh Crookshanks," Hermione whispers. "I have a feeling we're not at Hogwarts anymore."

In a puff of smoke, an old man named Jiraiya appears before Hermione with large amounts of white hair and a red vest while holding a book titled "Makeout, Makeout Paradise".

"Are you a good ninja or a bad ninja?" Jiraiya begins to walk toward Hermione.

"Well," Hermione answered. "I'm not a ninja at all, I'm Hermione Granger from Hogwarts."

"Well, is that the ninja?" Jiraiya asked, points at Crookshanks, then proceeds to lift up the cat's tail for an observation. "Perhaps a cat girl ninja in disguise."

"Crookshanks is my cat!" Hermione answered "What are you doing to it?!"

"Well, I'm a little muddled, because the ninjas have called me here because a new ninja has arrived and has just dropped a school on the Wicked Ninja of the Snakes." Jiraiya explained while pointing around "There's the school, and here you are and there is all that remains of the Wicked Ninja of the Snakes."

Hermione looked and gasped at a person who looked surprisingly like Lord Voldemort, but with long black hair and a purple tongue jutting out of his motionless head which stuck out from under the school of Hogwarts. There was an odd name tag from a scratched head protector which said Orochimaru right next to the now dead ninja.

"So the ninjas here want to know, are you a good ninja or a bad ninja?" Jiraiya asked.

"But I've already told you, I'm not a ninja at all. Ninjas are old and creepy and would often spy on me while I'm taking a bath."

Jiraiya begins to laugh wildly with his arms to his side and his stomach and chest thrusting into the air as he does.

"What's so funny?" Hermione asked.

"I'm laughing because I am a ninja!" Jiraiya answered. "I'm Jiraiya, the good ninja of the frogs."

"You are?!" Hermione answers and tries to step back and away from Jiraiya. "And all those people?" Hermione asked nervously as well while pointing at the people around Jiraiya.

"They're ninjas too," Jiraiya answered. "and this is ninja land."

Hermione begins to run away from Jiraiya as soon as she could, following the closest road she could find through a leafy forest, which was yellow and bricked.

Crookshanks wasn't far behind and would alert Hermione when the ninja, Jiraiya, got closer asking Hermione to help him with his "research".

Hermione continued to run, thought quickly and shouted. "Accio!"

A broom quickly flew from the remains of the school and into Hermione's hand and she flew off at great speed with Crookshanks barely holding onto the broom's handle. Hermione almost touched the stratosphere but soon fell toward the middle of a grain field because she wasn't a good flyer.

"Ow!" Hermione commented while Crookshanks had managed to land beside her. "Now where are we? How do we get home?"

Hermione looked around and saw no hint of any good directions to follow but soon heard a voice "Maybe it's that way."

"Who was that?!" Hermione asked but received no answer.

However, Crookshank,being the brilliant cat that it was began hissing up a pole which alerted Hermione.

"What is it Crookshanks?" Hermione asked while looking up the pole and realized that it was a scarecrow's pole but instead of a scarecrow atop of it, it was a blonde boy in an orange jumpsuit who was stuck there.

"Who are you and how did you get up there?!" Hermione asked.

"My name is Naruto and I don't know?" the boy answered.

"What do you mean you don't know?!" Hermione asked again.

"Well, I don't know because I don't have a brain." Naruto answered.

"Don't have a brain?" Hermione was puzzled. "Then how can you talk?"

"Well, I know I talk a lot without a brain." Naruto answered. "For instance, I would be asking you to help me down from this pole instead of arguing if I had a brain."

"Oh." Hermione commented. "I guess you're right. So I should ask, how are you stuck there, maybe if I knew I would be able to help you down."

"I think the village people were trying to lynch me because I have this rope around my neck that keeps me up here." Naruto explained. "Of course I'm not bright about doing things, but if you cut off my head maybe I'll fall off."

"I don't think cutting off your head is a bright idea." Hermione answered slowly.

"But I don't see any other solution other than cutting off my head" Naruto said.  
Hermione's mind was a bit cluttered after falling from the height of one of the earth's major atmospheres and had to think for a while.

"Maybe I can untie you." Hermione answered.

"But you'll need to untie knots, and I hate knots!" Naruto explained.

"Trust me, it's a lot safer than cutting off your head." Hermione answered.

"Oh fine!" Naruto agreed.

Hermione quickly flies up with her broom and begins untying Naruto who immediately plummets from the pole and onto the ground, landing on a now bloody nose.

"Ow!" Naruto yelled. "That wasn't safe at all, I have blood everywhere on the ground now. If you're a doctor, can you pick it up and put it back in me?"

"No, that's not how first aid works." Hermione said while floating down on her broom. "Why exactly did village try to lynch you?"

Naruto look extremely down trodden after Hermione had asked him her question.

"Because I'm a failure because I haven't got a brain." Naruto said sadly.

"But that doesn't explain anything." Hermione replied.

"You see." Naruto begins to sing:

_I would wile away the hours_  
_Annoying ninja scholars_  
_Peeing on the grains_  
_And I know I should be running_  
_With prank I should be cunning_  
_But I didn't have a brain_

"I didn't ask for a song" Hermione commented though Naruto continues anyways.

_I'd glue every griddle_  
_On every individual_  
_For chuckles and for games_  
_With the thoughts I'd be thinking_  
_I wouldn't be trapped by lures of bacon_  
_But I didn't have a brain_

_Oh I would tell you why_  
_Two plus five equals four_  
_I could finish grammar school by age forty-four_  
_And then my aim won't miss the floor_

_I would not be full of crayons_  
_My mouth jammed with paint jobs_  
_Which I licked off window panes_  
_I wouldn't dance and be crazy_  
_Hokage wouldn't be so angry_  
_But I didn't have a brain_

"That's nice and all," Hermione commented. "but I need to find a way home."

"Home?" Naruto asked. "I wouldn't know anything about that."

"Right," Hermione wasn't going to argue with that. "but do you know of anyone smarter than- say- you?"

"No clue." Naruto said proudly.

Hermione began thinking about the situation of trying to ask a question to a boy without a brain.

"Don't you know of any wizards at least?" Hermione asked. "I mean, you must have had some magical spell cast on you to survive so long without a brain."

"Wizard?" Naruto was puzzled. "I can think of the closest thing we have is the Hokage, he can make anything survive without a brain!"

"Really?!" Hermione was overjoyed. "He must be a powerful wizard then! I must see him."

"A powerful wizard?!" Naruto asked even though he should be the one providing the information "do you think he can give me a brain?"

Hermione was soon left speechless when Naruto began asking her about someone she never met before, even though Naruto was the person who brought up the subject.

"Sure..." Hermione said really slowly and pauses without knowing what more to tell Naruto.

"If that's true, I know where he lives!" Naruto said. "I just painted his house last week!"

"Really?!" Hermione was excited. "Take me to him please."

"Okay!" Naruto answered. "We're off to see the Hokage then!"

"Off we go!" Hermione said with her broom and Crookshanks behind her while they follow Naruto back onto the yellow brick road.


	2. Chapter 2

Hermione, Crookshanks and Naruto followed the yellow brick road and continued to follow it until they stopped to look for something to eat. While looking around Hermione saw the oddest thing, a black haired boy with red eyes who seemed to have not been moving next to a large patch of cut down trees.

"Oh my, it's an Uchiha!" Naruto commented. "An Uchiha made out of tin!"

"He's not made out of tin." Hermione told Naruto.

"But he's not moving, I don't think there is anything else that doesn't move other than tin." Naruto commented.

Hermione begins to walk in for a closer look and finds a name on a head protector which said "Sasuke".

"You're right about him not moving." Hermione agreed. "It must be a very powerful paralysis hex that did this to him."

Hermione takes out her wand and raises it while chanting 'Rennervate!' but nothing happened. After a long while the boy simply moaned a bit while Hermione repeatedly tried to cast her spell again and again.

"Did you say something?" Hermione asked Sasuke after hearing feint amounts of noise.

"I think he said 'oil can'." Naruto told Hermione.

"Don't be ridiculous." Hermione told Naruto.

Sasuke made another low pitch noise.

"I think he said we need to insert oil starting into his mouth and in lethal amounts to humans." Naruto told Hermione. "Luckily, he's made out of tin!"

"Idiot." Sasuke said in a low volume.

Hermione's eyes and ears was soon alerted when she saw Sasuke's lips move.

"Why yes, you can talk." Hermione commented. "You just called Naruto an 'idiot'."

Sasuke continued to stand still for a long time and finally made more noticeable actions.

"Yes I can." Sasuke began speaking more audibly.

"See." Naruto said. "He said 'can'-"

Hermione and Sasuke begins to ignore the boy with no brain so they could have a thoughtful conversation.

"Why were you stuck here for so long?" Hermione asked.

"Because I lost all my will to do anything because I haven't got a heart." Sasuke explained.

Hermione stepped back in shock and asked. "No heart?! What happened?"

"You see, about a year ago, I was chopping down that tree, and right in the middle of a chop, my brother came over and killed my parents. Since then, I stopped moving. I've been that way ever since." Sasuke explained.

"And your heart?" Hermione asked.

"Brother stole it." Sasuke answered.

Hermione affirmed, indeed, there must be powerful wizards in this world if there are people able to live without brains or hearts.

"Please," Hermione asked and offered. "do tell me everything, in fact tell me anything you want."

"Okay." Sasuke agreed. "But please note, I've been holding in this dialogue for so long that I am now suffering through manga exposition syndrome in which I must explain everything in a series of short text so that the readers know what is happening."

"Okay." Hermione understood. "You may begin."

_When a boy is very little_  
_And sees mother minced to kibble_  
_He gets really torn apart_  
_And when they were done with all the killin' _  
_Sasori made funny puppets of my parents_  
_And then my brother stole my heart_

_I was tender, I was gentle_  
_And hoping it's accidental_  
_When brother stabbed me in the arm_

_I was friends with a boy named Harold _  
_And then he was shot full of arrows_  
_And then brother stole my heart_

_Picture me a balcony_  
_Brother telling to watch close_  
_"Run Sasuke!"_  
_I hear a screech, then dead meat!_

_Just to register emotion, betrayal in slow motion_  
_In brother's genjutsu arts_

_I was young and a chipper_  
_I didn't even yet know how to use a zipper_  
_And then brother stole my heart_

Hermione's face had gone pale during Sasuke's song and even more pale when he was done. Even Crookshanks had begun vomiting cat vomit from hearing Sasuke's singing his grim lyrics, but not everyone was silent from not knowing what to say.

"Wow, that was amazing!" Naruto said and cheered for an encore. "I like how everything rhymed, although you seemed a little off note on some parts."

"I supposed I'm a little rusty, but I can try singing it again." Sasuke offered.

"No, no!" Hermione answered to stop Sasuke from repeating everything he had just sang. "It's alright, a song like that should only be-" Hermione thought long and hard between each word. "saved, er- savored for- special occasions."

"Like Christmas?" Naruto asked.

"Yes-" Hermione reflexively agreed and then thought about it. "Wait, no-" Hermione corrected herself to Sasuke. "just please don't sing again."

"Okay." Sasuke agreed.

After Crookshanks was done vomiting from having heard the most demented song ever. Naruto, Hermione and Sasuke began having a normal conversation, or as normal as Hermione can hope to have in Ninja Land.

"We're going to the Hidden Village of the Leaf." Hermione explained. "So we could to see the Hokage to get Naruto a brain and me a school."

Sasuke thought to himself and imagined the Hokage as a brutal warlord who had eviscerated many brains and raided many schools. Surely the Hokage would have both of them and surely the Hokage would also have ripped out a few hearts from a few unfortunate chests.

"Say," Sasuke asked. "do you think if I go with you guys, the Hokage may spare me a free heart?"

"Why yes," Hermione answered, "surely a wizard that has allowed Naruto to live for so long must be powerful and able to give you a heart."

However before Hermione, Naruto, Sasuke and Crookshanks could journey forward, a red and black smoke suddenly appears in an exploding puff. Out of that puff was a man who walked out wearing an orange swirling mask with one hole on it and a black robe with red clouds on that.  
Hermione quickly picked up Crookshanks onto her bosoms and steps back while Naruto and Sasuke stands still to continue their watching of the person coming out of the smoke.

"Who is that?!" Hermione gasped.

"That is a Wicked Ninja. " Sasuke answered.

"Wicked Ninja?!" Hermione gasped again. "But I thought the Wicked Ninja was dead."

"That was her sister." Naruto answered with no ability to distinguish between gender. "That was The Wicked Ninja of the Snakes and this is The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts, and I'm afraid she's far worse than the other one."

The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts treads toward the 3 teenagers.

"Who killed my brother?!" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts asked. "Who killed the Ninja of the Snakes?!"

The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts slowly gets nearer and nearer.

"Was it you?!" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts snarls at Hermione.

Hermione was frightened but was forced to answer when she had accidentally looked into a sharingan behind The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts' mask.

"No, no, it was an accident!" Hermione answered. " The Wicked Ninja of the Snakes simply didn't look up when a giant school was falling on top of him!"

"Well my little pretty" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts snarled "I can cause accidents too!"

"I know people tend to lose things, things of great value" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts replies threateningly and became blunt "I know something of value that I can take from you!"

"What will that be?" Hermione shivered.

"Your shoes!" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts answered. "I will take your shoes!"

"But I need my shoes," Hermione thought fast and decided that it was best to pretend she cared before The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts decides to make other sorts of threats "I need my shoes because I must go to the Wizard of Konoha and it's such a long walk while I'm not a very good flyer."

"Very well." The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts answered. "I will bide my time and take them when you're washing your pretty and soft little feet."

The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts gives off a mean and plotting look while Hermione grips onto Crookshanks tightly in the presence of this very suspicious character.

"I'll get you my pretty and your little puss-" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts tried to finish his sentence but stopped half way. "Wait, that did not come out right." The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts said. "Oh geeze, oh geeze. God, this happens every time I try to do something evil."  
Hermione stares blankly at The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts who continued to ventilate.

"I need to find someone and talk this out before I really lose it." The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts composes himself and finally continues to talk to Hermione. "I'm sorry, I was just venting my anger. I've been having such a bad story arc for as long as I could remember. Every time I get angry, my evil plan never turns out well. Like this one time I tried to put a sharingan on the moon. Man, I still don't know how that's panning out. I hope you understand."

Hermione just nods in a way that a girlfriend pretends to understand what was happening.

"Boy, it's good to get that out of my system." The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts says to himself. The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts breathes a few more time. "Well, yeah, thanks."

The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts begins to look serious again.

"As I was saying, I'll get you my pretty and your little pussy too!" The Wicked Ninja of the Tail Beasts points at Hermione and her cat then laughs before disappearing in a puff of smoke.


End file.
